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Wednesday, December 31, 2003
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"BAD", "DANGEROUS" OR JUST REALLY, REALLY STUPID?
Michael Jackson has had a very good couple of weeks. The family of his accuser is looking increasingly consumed with avarice. The Santa Barbara District Attorney, Tom Sneddon appears corrupt, vindictive and atavistic. Nobody seemed to notice that ill-advised victory lap of a party at Neverland three days after being charged with 9 felonies. Even that Hindenburg-like interview with Ed Bradley netted him a million dollars.
The good times appear to have ended effective today. In the last 10 days Jackson's brother, Jermaine followed by his attorney, Mark Geragos have alleged what amounts to police brutality and criminal harassment relating to his November 11 arrest and booking. Jackson then repeated these allegations in the "60 Minutes" interview. There's a small problem with these accusations - notably, that they probably aren't true. Police departments in America generally and in California in particular, have grown very sensitive about brutality complaints. The Los Angeles Police Department settled a civil suit with Rodney King to the tune of over $8 million. The Ramparts scandal in the LAPD is expected to eventually cost the city of Los Angeles over two billion dollars in brutality civil settlements.
While cops are famously stupid, lawyers and politicians are not. After decades of massive litigation, settlement and jury award costs, they finally got the message. Several California jurisdictions now videotape every step of the booking process and police cruisers are equipped with video and audio recorders. Santa Barbara County is such a jurisdiction. And even if they weren't you can bet your ass that with someone as high profile (and famously nuts) as Jackson in custody, they'd dot their i's and cross their t's so as not to get bitten on the ass afterward. The fact that the arrest and booking were recorded was reported by both CNN and MSNBC as it was happening.
And today, the Sheriff's Department lowered the boom. Sheriff Jim Anderson held a particularly indignant press conference where these tapes were played. The police appeared to be nothing but courteous..solicitous even. Also, the bruises Michael dispayed on "60 Minutes" were too high on his arm to have been caused by double locking cuffs. And people with shoulder trauma are noted everywhere for not doing stuff like this......
Furthermore, Michael alleges that he was kept in a "doo-doo" smeared men's room for some 45 minutes. The booking and bond posting process took some 45 minutes. 45 minutes for processing plus 45 minutes of "doo-doo" equals 90 minutes. Here's the problem; He only spent 73 minutes in the jail.
So what the fuck, huh? I mean, what the fucking fuck? Has Michael lost his mind (and yes, this is a rhetorical question)? Why would you make a bullshit charge that can be demonstrably proven false? I think we can all agree that while Jackson is none to bright and none to sane, the people around him are. Christ, at this point, you'd think Mark Geragos invented television given the amount of time he spends on it. Team Jackson is not known for being an amateur hour.
There's only one answer. This is a legal strategy, not a public relations one. How do you think O.J got off? By changing the issue. California V. Simpson wasn't so much of a murder trial as it was a racist cops trial. By changing the issue from a dead, pretty white girl and some waiter to a put-upon black celebrity, persecuted by Mark Furhman, O.J spiked the murder weapon in the end-zone and screamed "I'm going to Disney World". Granted, he didn't actually go to Disney World until after he lost a $33.5 million judgment in his civil trial.
There's a small problem with M.J going this route: the jurisdiction. O.J was tried in downtown Los Angeles, with a sufficiently dusky jury pool, well-acquainted with rouge cops. Michael Jackson is being tried in Santa Barbara, where he is the ONLY black person. And calling Michael black is a stretch at best. Jackson hasn't been what any reasonable person would call "black" since early 1985. By 1987, even white supremecists learned to moonwalk.
This is a faulty P.R strategy and an insane legal one. Although, if its a strategy to piss off Sheriff Anderson...it worked. Anderson stated that if an investigation by the California Office of the Attorney General revealed that Michael's allegations are baseless, he will charged with filing a false report. This proves that Anderson is, in fact, as dumb as he looks (though still not as dumb as Sneddon.) While I'm not a member of the California Bar, I can fairly safely assume that this charge would require Jackson to file an actual report with the police. Unless someone deputized Ed Bradley in secret, this charge will never pass muster. And even if I'm wrong about the law, the false reporting charge is a misdemeanor. Would you give a shit about a misdemeanor if you had 9 felonies to worry about?
I didn't think so.
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Monday, December 29, 2003
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YOU'RE FELT UP BY A SMOOTH CRIMINAL
It's a really, really bad time to be Scott Peterson. First, everybody gets their panties in a bunch over the whole killing his wife thing. Then his layer bails for the Homecoming Queen of Human Car Accidents, Michael Jackson. Some guys can't catch a break.
How Mark Geragos became such a big deal stuns me. Sure, he got Susan McDougall off on Whitewater (the only prinipal that was indicted to be acquitted) but at that point Ken Starr and the Office of Independent Counsel were polling at the level of your average child molester. He couldn't even get Winnona Ryder off (something I would desperately like to do. Okay, so I have a thing for chicks that cute and that crazy.)
So, Geragos takes the Jackson case and then turns around and lets him do "60 Minutes." And it was a disaster. Okay, it wasn't earthquake in Iran bad, but it was pretty fucking close. Smart lawyers never let their clients do interviews. Especially not "60 Minutes", which has a storied reputation of gutting people who even look guilty. So Geragos has a client famous for being batshit crazy and a penchant for saying incomprehensibly goofy stuff. This client is facing 9 felony counts that could land him in the clink for 30 years. So what does Geragos decide? "Let's put him on TV! Right now! What could happen?"
Well.......this could happen.
"ED BRADLEY: As we sit here today, do you still think that it's acceptable to share your bed with children?
MICHAEL JACKSON: Of course. Of course. Why not? If you're gonna be a pedophile, if you're gonna be Jack the Ripper, if you're gonna be a murderer, it's not a good idea. That I'm not. That's how we were raised. And I met - I didn't sleep in the bed with the child. Even if I did, it's okay. I slept on the floor. I give the bed to the child."
Oh boy. Now, I'm not a layer but I'm pretty savvy in the realm of public relations. Firstly, if you're accused of being a pedophile, don't, under any circumstances, go on the highest rated show that isn't the Bachelor and say that it's okay to share your bed with kids! Also, for a criminal defendant (even a smooth one) to compare himself to Jack the Ripper is generally accepted to be a bad idea. Shit, Robert Blake has even done that and he's in a three way tie with Jackson and Phil Spector as the craziest motherfucker on the planet.
"ED BRADLEY: Given the allegations, given the innuendo - why would you put yourself in a position where something like this could happen again?
MICHAEL JACKSON: Well, I'm always more cautious. But I will never stop helping and loving people the way Jesus said to. He said, "Continue to love. Always love. Remember children. Imitate the children." Not childish, but childlike."
Didn't Jesus also say "suffer the children who go down on me?" Criminal efendents are always citing Jesus in ways favourable to them. Notice how often it works?
"ED BRADLEY: What about the allegation that some kind of intoxicating agent, said to be wine, was given to this child to make him more pliable?"
The alleged victim is a 12-year-old cancer patient. Do you get more pliable?
"ED BRADLEY: Would you allow your children to sleep in the bed with a grown man, who was not a relative, or to sleep in the bedroom?
MICHAEL JACKSON: Sure, if I know that person, trust them, and love them. That's happened many times with me when I was little."
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it did happen many times when you were little. That's probably where this mess started.
"People think sex. They're thinking sex. My mind doesn't run that way. When I see children, I see the face of God. That's why I love them so much. That's what I see."
Pedophilia allegations genrally do lead people to "think sex." People are funny that way. Go figure.
"MICHAEL JACKSON: (my) - album is number one all over the world. All over the world. America is the only one, because I � I don't wanna say too much.
ED BRADLEY: But it's not number one in the United States?
MICHAEL JACKSON: It's a conspiracy. Yeah. I'm getting tired. "
Not the Tommy Matolla conspiracy theory again! Jesus, you know he doesn't run Sony anymore, right? Last I heard he was a clerk at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
We've all had a cute little giggle at my quaint observations. But remember, I support Michael Jackson in this. I believe that he's actually innocent! And not even "100% percent not guilty" like O.J was. I mean innocent.
And the fact that this mess of a sit down could lead a supporter to point these things out, imagine what his enimies are getting from it.
For some reason, Michael Jackson and Mark Geragos are determined to make me look like a schmuck.
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STUPID OBSERVATIONS
Big earthquakes that kill a bunch of people are very sad. The current death toll from Friday's earthquake now stands at 30,000. This is, of course, a tragedy. On the other hand, if a massive earthquake does have to hit somewhere, it seems appropriate that it hit a place called Bam.
Here's the schedule for the state primaries next year so you can plat along at home. I probably won't have anything else to write about. Of course, then I won't have any readers either. Nevermind.
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OKAY......NOW I NEED SOMETHING FROM YOU
Yes, I've sucked lately. Horribly. Terribly horribly. But I've never asked anything from you, have I? I've never put up a "wish list" or a pay-pay account. All I've asked for for is for five fucking minutes of your time and a giggle. Maybe I'm a douche, but I think I've been more than generous with my time and talent (such as it is) with you.
Now I'm asking for something from you. It's not even something good....like a hot sister.
In the last 4 months there have been very, very few things that I've gotten any pleasure at all out of. Primal Purge has been one of them. I think Anna's contibutions to the blogosphere are incalcaulble. I had a very bad bad time in August and September and I can state for a fact that I would've killedthis blog were it not for the inspiration provided by Primal Purge. I won't even mention that I didn't know that this blog was PP's "Like Peanut Butter In A Dog's Mouth" feature until over a month after it passed.
There are so many good posts of Anna's that I could link to. But I won't. I want you to find them on your own.
Therefore, you should know that Primal Purge is FANTASTIC! All on your on your own. Just randomny hit things and fall in love. Who else in the the blogosophere will call here her pre-teen neice a "stupid cunt?" Beat THAT!
So here's what I want you you stupid pricks to do.........flood Anna's comment's section with demands that she continue. That's right, even you you broads who's boyfriends wont allow you to read me anymore, this is THAT important!
SAVE PRIMAL PURGE!
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Sunday, December 28, 2003
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SPEAKING OF THE RAMSEY FAMILY...
Odd coincidence that I was thinking about horrible was to dispose of the remaining members of JonBenet Ramsey's family and no more than two days later I visit the blog of the brilliant and beautiful Mary Magalicious and find this (link disabled due to a sudden burst of conscience).
Wow.
I'm generally a pretty libertarian cat. Honest, I am. I seriously think the government shouldn't be involved in most things. On the other hand who is going to reign in out-of-control parents? This girl can't be more than 11 on the outside. Yet the parents (I assume that a kid that age cóuldn't have mastered html or have the resources to get her own domain name on her own) have her tarted up on a member's site on the Internet. I'm a pretty net savvy guy. I know what a member's site is......a place for horny guys with credit cards to spend money on their cocks. Don't ask me how I know that, just know that I do. And the fact that a set of parents will set up a website where these idiots can jerk off to their 11 year old daughter is freightening!
At some point society should be allowed to step in and shut the parents down. I'm all about free speech (as anybody who's read more than three lines of this blog can attest to.) And as much as I'd like to go after the webmaster for disseminating child pornography, it seems like if you take the parents out, you take the problem down immediately.
Anyway, it's just a thought.
As always, I'd like to thank the lovely and talented Mary for having far more depraved web-surfing habits than I do.
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Saturday, December 27, 2003
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PRE-TEEN WASTELAND, IT'S ONLY PRE-TEEN WASTELAND
Just when it seems like Michael Jackson stepped up to the plate so he could divert attention from Pete Townshend enough that can schlep the Who back out on the road (while Daltrey is still breathing), Pete can't do the right thing and shut the fuck up!
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OKAY, I ADMIT IT...I'M DESPERATE. SO I'LL RESORT TO MORE ADVICE FOR THE KIDS AT GROUPHHUG.US
The weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year's suck for news. Really hard. If it weren't for Saddam Hussien and Michael Jackson, I doubt that I'd be posting at all. Now nothing is going to happen with either one of them for weeks (except for Michael moonwalking of a cliff tomorrow on 60 Minutes.) So where do I turn?
That's right, I get all sensitive and put on my advice columnist hat. The problems are stolen, as always, from grouphug.us. Christ, I love this site. It really dos bring out the worst instincts in me.
"I see myself dying in my sleep and it makes me happy."
I know just how you feel. I see you dying in your sleep....and it makes me happy too.
"I'm having phone sex with a guy that's 23-- and I'm 17."
23 year olds don't know the first fucking thing about phone sex! I recommend you find someone a decade older to have phone sex with. Hmmmmm, if I only I knew a 33 year-old with mad phone sex skillz.....
"i asked the guy im with now not to say anything about us just yet because i was dating his best friend a few years ago. he agreed but for his own reasons, he has a girlfriend(that I had no clue about) of 2 years who is pregnant with his 2nd child (they do not have the same mother*how very jerry springer)""
So...what's the problem? You both kept your mouths shut and got what you wanted. Now fuck like bunnies. I'll bet you'll be a fantastic mother to baby#3.
"I masturbate each night "
Just once? You some kind of a homo? Maybe you have a low sperm count. At that rate you'll never satisfy a woman, Junior.
"Why is cooler to be white then black?"
Ask James Brown, you Nazi fuck!
" think theres something wrong with me. I'm an extremely sociable guy, and I have many friends. I'm altogether a popular guy who has no problem with the ladies. I sometimes think weird thoughts about maiming people I'm talking to or pushing them in front of subway cars, etc. I would never do it, because I'm too scared of the consequences. I try to act like a caring sensitive guy, when really I take pleasure from hurting people somtimes. I get a cheap thrill out of luring girls that seem impossible to get (ex. my friend's girlfriends)and when I do get them, I drop them like a potato sack because theres no thrill. I think I'm secretely gay as well, but I'm not sure at this point. I also look at computer porn way too much and have now lost all interest in physical emotion. I do too much drugs, and I use my looks (on guys and girls) to get what I want (usually free drugs). I want to commit suicide sometimes, but I'm just too much of a pussy."
Don't be so hard on yourself. There isn't something wrong with you, there's lots wrong with you! Why, if you could only put your sentence structure together, you'd be a superstar blogger!
"I lost my virginity to my cousin - a close friend to everyone i know. She bled alot onto the mattress i slept on that night.Her mother was in the same room as us, 2 metres away. I think about it all the time and can't stop thinking about how bad my first time was. "
You lost your virginity in an incestuous bout with a bleeding cousin with your Aunt in the room? And there's a bad side?
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MORE LINKY GOODNESS
I've added whitehouse.org for the amusement of all my Bush hating friends and fixed the link to Landover Baptist Church for all my Christiam hating pals. Both of these sites are far funnier than I could ever hope to be.
Oh, and if blogging completely naked is wrong then I just don't want to be right.
I'm all about sharing.
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Friday, December 26, 2003
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NEW LINKS NO ONE WILL CARE ABOUT
In continuing to build a strong list of links that none of you will ever click, I've added grouphug.us (which is constantly updated and hilarious, a bunch of columists I enjoy and Savage Love (from the Onion.)
You're welcome.
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Thursday, December 25, 2003
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CANADA, HOME OF ILLOGIC
You've probably all heard the news by now about Canada's continuing love affair with bullshit. First, our assinine courts were the forerunners in stupidity but now the political class is catching up.
Canada, in the last 18 months, appears to have existed for no other reason than annoy the United States. First, there was our nonsensical stand on the war against Iraq ("we don't disagree with it, we just don't support it.) Then there was the Ontario Court of Appeals legalization of same-sex marriage, which in effect, will legalize same-sex marriages in the United States, too (I've written about this length already.) Then there's marijuanna decriminlization. We support it....kind of.
The Liberal governments of Jean Chretien and Paul Martin have decided that possession of "small amounts" of pot (anything under an ounce) should not result in criminal prosecution. As a good libertarian, I agree with this. But the government's stand is riddled with logical holes. The government still intends to prosecute possesion of "dealer weight" quantities and growers. Possesion with Intent to Traffic will still be an indictable offence under the Narcotics Control Act, under which, the mere act of passing a joint is considered trafficing. Bogarting is encouraged in Canada.
The government's position raises all kind of neat questions. Questions like: "Why is it legal to possess something in small quantities but not in large ones?" "Why should it be legal to possess something but illegal to sell it?" "How come only marijuanna is being decrimilinilized? Why not heroin or cocaine? If the government has decided that it is not the business of law-enforcement if you put one drug in body, why not all drugs?" I should also note that the government isn't proposing the legalization of marijuanna, just the decriminalization of it. People caught with possession weight will still be ticketed. Why? It's either legal or it's not. Make up your minds.
Once the Chretien government raised the issue, people who had previously been convicted of possession (which under the Narcotics Control Act can lead up to seven years in prison in Canada) got very interested and decided to test the existing law that they had been convicted under. It went all the way to the Supreme Court of Canada, which this week ruled there is NO constitutional right to get high. Of course, one should remember that, as a matter of Canadian jurisprudence, same sex marriage is a constitutional right. To describe this in the crassest way possible, in the last year the courts have established a constitutional right to take another man in your body......but not a bong hit.
Fascinating country. I can't wait to escape it.
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THE DUMBEST BLOGGER ON THE PLANET
I've mentioned in the past that I used to have a blog (you can find it at the bottom of the blog links) that my former employers took exception with. Long story short, I ended up having to resign my position due to the content of that blog. I'll write about the specifics in due course. It's a pretty funny story, actually. At the time I felt pretty stupid knowing that my cute little observations managed to fuck my life over so totally.
I've recently read a story that's made me feel so much better about myself. No matter what I've said on my blogs (and I have said some pretty insane shit) I can sleep at night knowing that I've never confessed to any felonies on a blog. I know what you're thinking and, yes...I am a pretty easy guy to please.
Brooklynbacon is a special kind of stupid. He's the kind of stupid the re-affirms my contempt for humanity. There are days when I feel like history's biggest douchebag but then I read about people like brooklynbacon and feel so much better about myself. This guy is a New York City cop who set up a blog (which he's since deleted, I checked. Good move assface. You kept it up just long enough to fuck yourself over then took it down before I could read it myself. You cunt!) detailing all of his official misconduct. Are there crooked cops out there? Absolutely. I'm not niave. I know virtually everyone cuts corners at their job and why should cops be any different? But I always assumed that bad cops were at least halfway smart.....like in "Serpico."
Brooklynbacon gave just enough details of his crimes, including a partial picture of his face (really smart, shithead), that it took Internal Affairs about 25 seconds to figure out who he was and launch an investigation. Among the things he admitted to; writing down the plate numbers of people who cut him off and mailing them false parking tickets, ignoring complaint calls and playing video games with his partner on the cruiser computer during a cop-killing investigation. With details like that, how could he not get caught?
Like I said, I've been bitten by my own blog. But that was pretty innocent. The worst things I said were that homeless people get better booze than I do, my staff was making me nuts and that I wanted to eat my wedding cake off of the ass of a particularly fetching Brazillian cleaner. I never said anything that could get me incarcerated.
God, I love it when other people turn out to be dumber than I am.
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LOVE IS ALL AROUND
First Al Gore endorsed Howard Dean and now Howard Dean has endorsed Jesus. Just in time for Christmas too.
It's beginning to feel a lot like the South Carolina Primary.
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MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS or WHY CAN'T THE RAMSEY FAMILY DIE A HORRIBLE GROUP DEATH?
Some people should really shut the fuck up and be thankful that they're not serving prison terms for murder and obstruction of justice this holiday season. You fucking people got away with MURDER! Granted, you should be thrilled about this, but please have the good taste to be privately thrilled. Christ, Even O.J isn't as ballsy as you fucking people. Everybody knew he was kidding when he "wrote" "I Want to Tell You" (which, sadly, didn't stop me from buying "I Want to Tell You.") But you two actually tried to be serious with that cauldron of lies, "The Death of Innocence."
Lets get serious, okay John and Patsy. One of you killed your daughter or you know who did. This makes you swine. But to file lawsuits on the anniversary of her murder is obscene. Had you not have murdered her, JonBenet would be 13 years old today. You have no idea just how lucky you are that you killed her in Colorado, which is shockingly short on mayhem and therefore has police departments disturbingly similar to the one found on "the Simpsons."
But this seven-year victory lap is in amazingly bad taste, even for human garbage like you. Will you please, finally just exhume the little girl's corpse, run it across a football field and spike it in the end zone so you can do your stupid little dance and go the fuck away already!
God, humanity sickens me.
Merry fucking Christmas. I need a drink.
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Wednesday, December 24, 2003
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MORE GROUP HUG GOODNESS
People often come to me for advice. This is because people are often stupid. But just because I'm a dysfunctional scumbag doesn't mean that I'm noy often right. For that reason I will, from time to time scan the confessions at grouphug.us and solve their problems for them. To quote the Artist Formerly Known As the Artist Formerly Known As Prince, "Let me show you show you baby, I'm a talented boy."
"i've been attending aa meetings for a couple months now. i got a sponsor, i even made 90 meetings in 90 days. not so bad,right? the problem is i'm secretly drinking. i'm a total liar, cheat, and thief."
Yes, you are a liar and a cheat. If you're not picking the pockets of the newly dry drunks, you're free and clear of the thief part. Here's how I see it, you don't want to quit drinking. I suggest you go to work at at a liqour store.
"I am 20 years old. I have slept with 21 guys and 3 girls. I have never been tested. I am too afraid that I have something. Five of those people were in a 3 month span, and I never told my boyfriend (whom I did not sleep with) about any of them. During that time I was eating E twice a week. I ended up rolling every weekend for a year and a half. I quit cold turkey and have only taken it twice since then. I have only slept with 3 people in the past two years. But now I started eating shrooms and I cheated on my girlfriend last weekend while on shrooms."
Wow! You ARE a dirty, dirty little slut aren't you? I don't think that I've had 24 sex partners in the last 33 years! And how is it that you fuck 24 people and not your boyfriend? Jesus, you ARE a cunt! And you don't go "cold turkey" on exstacy, you stupid bitch! It's not heroin. it's just something that makes you more amieable to sucking cock so guys will like you. So, do shut up.
"i just had sex wth my dad, and the worst part is im a guy and it isnt the first time."
And? Was he good? We all all have our crosses to bear. You're mine.
"when i was high once i tagged the bathroom of a church while a mass was going on.
i also stole the drugs of a dead man.
"So? Churches should be tagged, especially their bathrooms. Just to relieve the boredom of taking a shit there. As to stealing a dead man's drugs....you think he needs them now?
"I know this guy at school, tom and hes really really addicted to blow up dolls, he plays with them at night and i dont know how to tell him that hes never gonna get a grilfriend if he keepps doing that also he puts pictures of girls from are school on the dolls and one of them was me"
Honey, it's not Tom that has the problem, it's YOU! You want to fix Tom? Offer him a fucking handjob! It's only 5 minutes of your time, ferchristsake!
And I just LOVE how you broads think! If some some football playing rapist doesn't porpose to you the second you graduate from Junior High, you think "that no man will will ever love me." But God FORBID, some lonely prick in homeroom pins your picture to a blowup doll just ONCE...and suddenly HE'S got a problem! Grow the fuck up, honey. Yes, guys want to fuck girls they go to school with. Especially girls as stupid as you.
"two of the guys ive dated have come out post-relationship."
This should tell you that you're a lousy lay. Perhaps so lousy that they'd lie about being gay so they'd never have to fuck you again. Feel better?
"i slept through the godfather. twice. "
Then you're a homo.
"I have sex with guys who I am not attracted to. I get off on their attraction to me. I don't even like most of them."
This could be serious. I'll need to discuss this with you privately. What's your number? Don't worry.......you'll despise me.
"I messed things up with my ex girlfriend. Now she is going 0ut with a geek and 1 am trying to bust th3em up by hanging out with her lots. "
Hey douchebag, you want to fuck with her head? Start dating her best friend.
And who says that that I can't help tomorrows leaders?
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NOTE TO POTENTIAL INTERNET SUITORS
Not all Canadians are alike. Just because Vanvouver is rife with syphillus doesn't man that I am. I live in Toronto. That's a distance of Seattle to New York.
Trust me.
Really.
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NUT CUTTING WITH WILD BILL SAFIRE
I've always been a big of William Safire's. He's an astute political analyst (trained at the feet of Richard Nixon, the grand master of the craft) and a scholar of the English language. Plus he's a generally cool guy. He's pretty funny, too. How many inentionally funny people can you think of in politics? I always get to Bob Dole then get stuck. So when he has a political pronouncement to make, I generally listen. I may not always agree with the pronouncement or the logic and reasoning behind it but generally, I'll learn something. I like learning stuff. I think it's fun.
Safire has a very interesting theory on Howard Dean's place in the Democratic party and the potential consequences of his not getting the nomination. His basic theory is this: the ABD (Anyone But Dean) forces prevail in the primaries (which I don't think is possible this late in the game) and a petulant Dean says "Fuck it" and runs as an Independent. Safire believes this is a very, very bad thing, particularly when you consider that Ralph Nader is very seriously considering an independent run of his own.
Essentially, this would split the Democratic vote three ways. There would be the party nominee (if not Dean, either Richard Gephardt or Joe Lieberman), an independent Nader and an independent Dean. These competing factions would be facing a unified Republican ticket headed by George Bush and Dick Cheney. Could Bush/Cheney still lose? Sure they could. It's happened before. In 1948, the Democratic party split three ways with the nominee President Truman, the segregatonist wing of the party nominating South Carolina Governor Strom Thurmond (yeah, it's always funny how people forget he was a Democrat for a really long time) and the progressive (read: communist) wing nominating former Secretary of Agriculture, Vice President and Secretary of Commerce Henry Wallace on the Progressive party ticket.
These factions faced a unified Republican ticket headed by Thomas Dewy and (soon to be Chief Justice) Earl Warren. Truman still won, famously holding up the Chicago Tribune's headline "Dewy Defeats Truman." But those were very different times and very different circumstances. Thurmond was only on the ballot in 11 states. Wallace was widely viewed as a communist puppet and recieved virtually no votes. And Harry Truman was a sitting president and a master at nut-cutting politics. That is not the case this time. I figure Independent Nader and Dean campaigns could on the ballot in about 30 states. Gephardt only has a national record as a loser and Lieberman currently doesn't hold a lead in a single primary state poll.
Following Safire's logic, Bush would would win in a monumental landslide. And landslides are never good for those that win them. In 1936, Franklin Roosevelt won a crushing victory against Alf Landon, carrying 46 of 48 states and proceeded to attempt to destroy the Supreme Court and in the process nearly destroyed his presidency. In 1964, Lyndon Johnson humiliated Barry Goldwater, winnning 43 states and was repudiated four years later as a result of Vietnam. In 1974, Richard Nixon won 49 states against George McGovern and was forced to resign a year and half later. Ronal Reagan left Walter Mondale the state of Minnesotta and his second term was dominated by Iran/Contra. And although he only won 49% of the vote in '96, I think we can all agree that Bill Clinton wishes Monica voted for Bob Dole.
Going all the way back to Ulysses Grant, landslides have been the harbingers of doom.
Under almost any concievable circumstances President Bush will be re-elected comfortably. As things now stand, I figure that he'd win about 35 states against Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee. Against Gephardt or Lieberman, Bush's margin goes down to about 26-30 states. John Kerry isn't just going to lose the nomination, he's about to lose his house. So we can forget he even exists. Unless (and its far too late to even fantasize about this happening) Hillary Clinton jumps in, this election is over.
But I'd be far happier to see an actual race. In the spring, I'll be voting what could very well be my last Canadian election and that race is over too. I've been in love with politics since I was a kid, but it's a hard affair to maintain when elections are so clearly decided a year ahead of time that even a fuckhead like me can tell you how they're going to play out.Labels: Fun With Politics
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Tuesday, December 23, 2003
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INTERESTING RUSH, VERY INTERESTING
As some of you have probably heard, Rush Limbaugh has admitted to a drug intake that would make the classic lineup of Guns N' Roses blush. The fact that he continued to perform everyday is pretty impressive. Oxycontin is a pretty powerful drug. You can get pretty fucked up on it (Not that I would personally know, IP 149.101.1# at usdoj.gov. Honest! I've just done a lot of reading on the subject.) Even hydrocondone (commonly known as Tylenol 3, a codiene based opiate), taken in the numbers that Rush is reported to have, can inhibit your ability to speak for three hours at a time in a coherent way. It may soon turn out that Rush is the most functional junkie since Keith Richards.
The Florida authorities, in recent days raided several of Rush's doctors and siezed his records. This is to demonstrate that Limbaugh was "doctor shopping", as drug addicts sometimes do. I believe this practice was invented by Elvis Presley. Rush feels this is inappropriate. In a roundabout way, so do I. Virtually no one is charged with what Limbaugh appears likely to be. If these laws were enforced in an evenhanded manner, most of Major League Baseball, the NFL and ALL of Hollywood would be doing time right now. The reasons why this is happening appear to be pretty evident. Rush Limbaugh is an arrogant blowhard. But there is very likely a political component to this investigation. If nothing else, this screams of selective prosecution.
A few hours ago, Limbaugh read this statement on his radio show. The statement is rambling and indignant and I'm not going to address most of it. It speaks for itself, kind of.
But there's one part of the statement that's just too cute to ignore. "...the larger issue is that the seizure of Mr. Limbaugh's private medical records without going through the process outlined by the state legislature is clearly an invasion of Mr. Limbaugh's constitutional right to privacy."
If you know anything about Limbaugh's politics, you know that he is NOT a uniform supporter of a "constitutional right to privacy." Rush is (or was, it's been years since I've listened to his show) a particularly vocal opponent of Roe V. Wade (1973), which legalized abortion in the United States. Most people are not aware that Roe was not that groundbreaking a case. It was decided on the precedent of Griswold V. Conneticutt (1965). The Justices in Griswold found an implied right to privacy in the Constitution, not an explicit one. It is these two decisions that have driven conservatives like Limbaugh up a fucking wall for almost 40 years.
You know how people like Rush keep screaming for "strict constructionalist judges" on the Federal Courts? They mean judges who won't find implied rights in the Constitution. According to the likes of Rush, both Griswold and Roe are examples of "judicial activism." Rush has been very, very vocal about this activism.
Hey, Rush, If you want my sympathy...fine. You've got it. But it would be a lot easier to give if you weren't such a bloated fucking hypocrite. The next time you utter a fucking word about judicial activism, abortion, strict constructionism or implied rights in the Constitution on your stupid radio show, I hope someone calls you on it....you stupid prick.
It's people like you that give people like me a bad name.Labels: Fun With Politics, I Fought The Law
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UH OH
Either I'm getting fans in powerful places or I might be in trouble. Yesterday, at 2:51pm I got a hit from IP address 149.101.1#. This addresses server is listed as usdoj.gov. For the unitiated, usdoj is an acronym for the United States Department of Justice.
I really, really, really hope that John Ashcroft thinks I'm funny.
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MERRY CHRISTMAS, LENNY
"I have this dream where President Kennedy goes on television and says, 'My fellow Americans, tonight I'd like to introduce you to all the niggers in my administration. Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger!' Then maybe, just maybe, a 5 year old black kid wouldn't run home crying when some redneck calls him a nigger."
Lenny Bruce wasn't so much a comedian in the traditional sense as he was a revolutionary of the form. He didn't have an "act." There was no set form to a performance, although he became famous for a very few set pieces such as "The Palladium", "Tits n' Ass" and "To is a Proposition, Come is a Verb." For the most part, Lenny Bruce was more like a free-form jazz musician than a comedian as comedians were then known. He would go on stage and see where his mood took him. Sometimes he was brilliant. Sometimes, particularly in the last 18 months of his life, he was horribly bad.
Lenny Bruce didn't want to make you laugh so much as he wanted you to think. He wanted his audience to see the hypocracies in modern life. He used "dirty words" as a means to do this. His forays into sexual politics and social interaction included words that shocked the staid mores of the early-to-mid sixties. For the words he used, Lenny Bruce was prosecuted relentlessly. Some would argue that he was prosecuted to death.
Lenny Bruce was also what would today be called a junkie. He was arrested on occassion for drug possession, prosecuted and convicted. Through his drug arrests, he always maintained his professionalism. He didn't miss shows and he was often better stoned than not. It was when he began to be prosecuted for his words that he spiralled out of control. His drug intake escalated and his perfornances grew scattershot, often consisting of nothing more than reading from, and arguing with, a trial transcript.
In the period from 1964-66, Bruce was on trial in multiple jurisdictions for obscenity, often at the same time. It became impossible for him to work as nightclub owners became afraid of themselves being prosecuted. For nothing more than words. Words that most of you use in everyday conversation. Words that I throw around on this blog without a second thought. At one point, Lenny Bruce was looking at several years in prison for the use of the word "cocksucker" during a public performance before a paying audience of adults. The world would be a very different place today were it not for Lenny Bruce. This may sound like a trite and overdramitic thing to say, but in a lot of ways, Lenny Bruce died for your freedom.
New York was one of the jurisdictions where Lenny Bruce was arrested, tried and convicted for obscenity. Today, Governor George Pataki granted the first posthumous pardon in the history of the state of New York onto Leonard Alfred Schneider, AKA Lenny Bruce. Pataki, in his proclomation of pardon stated that it was "a declaration of New York's commitment to upholding the First Amendment." Hopefully, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of California will follow suit.
Merry Christmas, Lenny.
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WHILE I CONTINUE TO SUCK....
Christopher Hitchens doesn't. He wrote an interesting piece on the fate of Saddam which you can read here. And George Will has some interesting thoughts on his eventual trial which you can consider here.
Or not. I'm not that sure I give a fuck anymore.
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Monday, December 22, 2003
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"I GOT YER THREAT LEVEL RIGHT HERE!!!
Yes the appropriate authorities have been alerted. Everyone is on edge. Citizens tremble as they wait in line at Home Depot for the dwindling stocks of duct tape and plastic sheeting.
al-Queda? Nope. This terror threat is entirely due to the party in my pants.
All things being equal, it could be worse. After all, I could be Joe Namath.
Now go about your business normally.
Oh, and thanks again, Ford. I'm going to have LOTS of fun with this. To the rest of you: You think I went overboad with the Britney/Madonna kissing picture? MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
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FORD W. MAVERICK, A PRINCE AMONG MEN
At 7pm this evening I did a little riff about the Homeland Security Advisory chart and commented that I would like one to denote the state of my libido.
Well, less than 4 hours later, I got a surprise in my mail. The great Ford W. Maverick, creator of Lil'Zombie and a really funny writer, created one for me. It looks like it took a lot of work, too.
So without further delay.......
Thank you, Ford. That was a sweet thing to do. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
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Sunday, December 21, 2003
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THE FUNNIEST MAN ALIVE WHO ISN'T ME
Well, that's not exactly true. I've sucked lately. Hard. Okay, really hard. And I apologize. I'm trying to write my way through it. But Jon Stewart doesn't suck and never has. So they put him on the cover of Newsweek.
Sure, I could make you go out and buy it or you can click the link and read it for free.
See? Sometimes, I'm not an angry, bitter bastard.
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NOW THAT'S A GOOD IDEA
People mock the Homeland Security color coded warning system as being ineffective and vague. I think it's a helpful tool.
So much so, that I'm looking for someone to redesign it so that it might be applied to my libido.
Those who don't know will mock it. Those who do know will find it helpful inded.
Tom Ridge announced today that the current terrorist threat level is high or orange.
The current threat level in my pants is severe or red.
Tom Ridge is worried about that, too. I live pretty close to the border and I can go off at any time.
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BROKEN HEARTS ARE FOR ASSHOLES or HOW KILGORE TROUT DESTROYED MY INNOCENCE
Today really, really sucks. I was supposed to go to a dinner party thrown by Dr. Reverend and his lovely wife, Mrs. Bloody Diapers but I have an ugly fucking cold. I was having a lovely chat and then my conversation partner disappeared. One thing after another is disappointing me today. It appears that everything I love is turning to ashes. There isn't even very much in the news to write about (I still can't discuss my personal life. Sorry.) However, given the length that I prattled on yesterday without a single fucking comment, I don't feel appreciated. So I figured, fuck them! I'll let them starve for a few days!
Then I went over to Kilgore Trout's blog and read that he had broken up with his girlfriend of 68 days recently. I felt for the guy, I really did. I know how painful that can be. Turns out that Young Kilgore and his betrothed had a disagreement over child-rearing. Specifically, he doesn't want anychildren to rear. Again, I know how unpleasant such controversies can be. I continued to sympathize. Then, I continued to read. As it happened, the dispute took place with parties in the nude.
It was then that I grew suspicious.
I started doing the math. Girlfriend. 68 days. Children. Disagreement thereof. Nude. Then I looked at the top right hand corner of the page to his "Involuntary Celibacy Watch." It read 332 days.
I had never been so hurt and disgusted in my entire life. Kilgore had turned his blog into a den of LIES! Lies! On a blog! I know you all share my horror. Blogs are supposed to be the last bastions of honesty in a corrupt and defiled world. My philosophy has always been to NEVER lie about something personal, like...I dunno,....having a small penis when I really don't....I mean when a BLOGGER really doesn't.
I felt betrayed. Particularly since it was Kilgore. Kilgore had come to me during a particularly dark time in my life. I had just lost my job and two very important relationships. I had announced that I was closing my old blog for those reasons (ie, my old company and girlfriends reading.) Kilgore e-mailed me and was very supportive. He had just started his blog and mine was one of the first that he had linked. He said many nice things about my writing and urged me to continue. I read his blog and was mightily impressed. As Anna over at Primal Purge noted so eloquently, "he's funny and has perfect penmanship." I felt a kinship with Kilgore. I felt a bond developing.
We were brothers.
And our brotherhood was built on a foundation of lies! I was distraught. Until I realized that all of my relationships are based on a foundation of lies. Then I got over it. It took maybe half an hour.
I'm very emotionally well-adjusted.
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Saturday, December 20, 2003
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FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR skippy, M.D
Okay, OKAY already! Enough with the constant e-mails and Private Messages asking "But, skippy.....you promised that you'd tell me how to address that thing in my ass!"
You wanted the truth, I contend that you still can't handle the truth......but here it is
Lovingly removed from the archives of bunsen (dot) tv. Show him some love. Gently.
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TOILET ETIQUETTE AND THE DAMNABLE SECURITY INDUSTRY
Bill at Bloviating Inanities (which is a nice blog. You should read it. Really, you should) recently wrote this post about a notice left in ladies room at is wife's workplace. At first I was going to write extensively about the inanity (go figure) of such a notice...but then the memories started to haunt me. I've not only had to write those notices, I've actually had to have personal conversations with the offenders.
As I've noted here before, up until August 11th of this year, I was a security supervisor. I supervised security guards. As most of you probably know from personal experience, the security industry is staffed by two classes of people: very, very recent immigrants-who have taken a huge professional step down to provide for their families in a new land. The hardest of hard working people- and sub-humans. People one step below serial killers. Most of these idiots don't have the intelligence or the initiative to murder hookers. These are people born and raised here with (an albeit somewhat) passing fluency with the language. These are the last people you should ever want dealing with the public. Yet deal with the public they do. I got to clean up the messes, both figurative and literal.
Before I tell you about the main offenders, I should give you some insight about where I worked. From January of 2001 through August of 2003, I worked in a Big Important Building in downtown Toronto. Said Big Important Building had Big Important Tenants, three of them to be be specific. Most people would recognize their names immediately. And all three had their corporate headquarters where I worked. I actually had to pass a three month long background investigation before I could set foot on any of the floors that one of the Big Important Companies leased. In so far as is possible in that deviant industry, this was the big time.
First, I'll tell you about Bill. Bill was 62 when I first started working with him and seemed to learn nothing about social propiety during his long life. Bill could offend people without a thought in ways that would take even someone as horribly wrong as I am years to and not think twice about it. In fact, Bill would get offended if he learned that he offended someone else. "Offended" is perhaps to light a term. Bill would get indignant! It was a shocking thing to see, really. But I almost never saw it first hand. Bill was actually afraid of me.
When I first started working that building there was an extra coverage guard (read; retard they shlep in to run the freight elevators on weekends) named Jesse. Jesse was a colossal pain in the ass! He thought he knew it all......Christ, he was obnoxious! Well, Jesse went home and, who relieved my partner and I? Bill and his partner. Bill had some experience with Jesse and decided to test my tolerance for him. Apparently, I passed. Whenever Jesse's name was mentioned, I went into a tirade of debilitating diseases that he would be afflicted with "if there were a truly just God."
"Well, I think Jesse...." Bill began
"Should be afflicted with Parkinson's and die a slow horrible death, entombed in his own fucking body?" I finished.
"Nooooo, I think Jesse is...."
"A worthless tumour that should be cut out of my life like the cancer that he is, urinated on and disposed of in the incinerator?"
I make quite the first impression, what can I say?
Bill assumed that I was insane. Therefore, Bill left me alone.
The rest of the staff wasn't so lucky.
There was one kid at the building who had the deep misfortune of having had to be partnered for a time with Bill. Said kid was a hip-hop fan, as kids these days are. Bill recognized the style of his street clothes and observed that he missed the days of slavery. "Blacks liked slavery", Bill opined, "it was good for them."
At one point I went on vacation to California and my partner, a twenty-year-old girl was stuck working with Bill. During the course of a 12-hour midnight shift he decided to learn every intimate detail of her life that he could. "So (insert my partners name here), have you ever had sex? Have you ever had a man drill you really, really hard?" I should point out that Bill is the most effeminate man alive and I can't blame my then partner for wanting a long, hot shower with a Brillo pad to scrub herself clean at the end of the night.
Bill's less than stellar relations with the fairer sex didn't end there. He categorically refused to refused to refer to women as anything other than "bitches", "whores", "sluts" and "cunts". I'm not so much sure he wouldn't do it as much as he was incapable of it.
Yet, inexplicably, Bill's misogyny only seemed to reinforce the rumors of his homosexuality. For this too, Bill had a remedy. This involved changing into his street clothes with the change-room door WIDE open. Have you ever seen a 62-year-old in his undies? I have. Trust me, you'd complain, too. Imagine how the female staff felt.
Eventually, Bill's inability to shut up and get along with humanity bit him on the ass (which he may or may not have enjoyed) and he was removed from the building (but not fired. After all, it's not like he had a blog.) But Bill was a minor irritant. I hadn't been promoted yet and he wasn't my responsibility.
Jon, however, was my responsibility. Jon was hired perhaps 6 months before my promotion and from day one was the Three Mile Island of hygeine nightmares. I trust everyone remembers Pigpen from the "Peanuts" cartoons? Yes? Good. That was Jon, except the lines from Jon's body denoting the smell wasn't a literary device. They were actually THERE! His smell wasn't so much occularly offensive as it was a physical force of it's own. The man was his own Dirty Bomb. Were he hired in these, less peaceful days, I would've had him declared an enemy combatant and been done with him on the spot.
Jon must have, on some base level, been aware of his own offensiveness as during the early part of his tenure he attempted to mask it with colonge. "Colonge" may suggest more than I mean. Jon's colonge smelled more of a combination of toothpaste, mouthwash, rubbing alcohol and toilet water.....unflushed toilet water. It was one of those rare cases, like chemotherapy, where the cure was almost as bad as the disease. The combination of the colonge and his au natural scent made Jon smell like a unique combinination of a wildebeast in heat, diminshed expectations and defeat. And Jon was as clumsy as he was smelly. He insisted on breaking his colonge bottle in our office. Repeatedly. In short order our boss banned him from brining it in the building.
Some time later, when Jon had gotten particularly putrid, he explained to one of the staff that his cat had miscarried it's kittens in the tub, where he kept his uniform and he could, therefore, not shower. This raised more questions in my mind than it answered. These questions included; "Why didn't you get the cat of the tub and to a fucking vet?"; "Why didn't you rinse out the tub and take a shower anyway?" and last, but not least, "Who the fuck keeps a blazer, slacks, a dress shirt and a tie in the fucking tub anyhow?" Forunately, I was too busy being sick to my stomach to ask those questions at the time. I'm sure the answers would've driven me to suicide out of sheer frustration.
Jon's potty skills left much to be desired as well. When I worked midnights, I often relieved Jon on the evening shift. As much as I like to claim super-human bladder control, I can't. At some point in an 8 (or 12 hour shift), I'd have to take a piss. So I'd go to the bathroom and find the toilet seat stained yellow. I don't mean in spots, I mean SOLID FUCKING YELLOW! To this day, I'm not sure if I could cover the seat so totally if I aimed. I tried to ignore it as much as I could (unlike my female partner who would've had to sit in the toxic fucking waste) until the end of my shift when I realized that if it didn't get cleaned up, the day shift (including my boss) would think that I had pissed all over the bathroom.
So......I got to clean up Jon's piss. Repeatedly. Go me.
The best part was that Jon USED to be a supervisor too. He used this as an excuse to give me friendly reminders of how to my job. Now, imagine if you will, taking a job that you really didn't want to help out a boss you think is a cool guy. Now imagine that one of your subordinates looks like he was kicked out of the Grateful Dead for being "a filthy hippie." And he's telling YOU how to do your job.
I got to clean the piss of a 47 year old man off the toilet seat.
Starting to understand why I'm such an angry bastard?
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MILITARY JUSTICE GONE AWRY
It used to be that you were only ever court martialled by the U.S Army if you did something really wacky, like massacring the village of My Lai. And then you got pardoned by President Nixon and everyone lived happily ever after....well, except for those inconvenient villagers.
But things have changed.
Now they'll go after you for simply loving to much.
Where, oh where, will the madness end?
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MEMO TO MICHAEL
Dear Mr. King Of Pop,
As you know, I've been very supportive of you in recent weeks. I'm not so much convinced of your innocence as I am physically repulsed by the cravenness of your accusers and the cowardice of the Santa Barbara district Attorney, Tom Sneddon. Even if you are guilty, I'd still like to see you take that smug motherfucker down a notch or two. Plus, I really need a good television freakshow. Scott Peterson is a run of the mill wife murderer, Kobe Bryant's case will take months to get really fun and I can't honestly believe that Gary Condit is dumb enough to actually go through with his lawsuit. Since he's out of office, no one cares what Bill Clinton does with his penis anymore and I'm growing weary of waiting for O.J to do something crazy again. In short, you're all I've got and I know you'd never let me down.
Even in the disappearing act that you pulled upon being booked in California, you haven't failed to entertain. The alignment with the Nation of Islam-possibly the only people crazier than you are-was worth it's weight in comedy gold. The fact that the brain damaged cur, Sneddon who, after setting excessive bail on the grounds of your being a flight risk, is letting you travel to England this weekend is adorable. Everybody knows that an accused child-rapist from California could never, I don't know..... flee to France, eventually win an Oscar and have most of Hollywood say very nice things about you despite your having administered an intoxicating agent to a thirteen year old and taking sexual liberties with him/her. I don't know where anyone would ever get that idea.
Michael, if I may call you Michael, your car accident of a life has provided me years of entertainment and I'd like to reciprocate with some advice. I feel I owe you at least that. Do not, I repeat, DON'T throw a fucking party three days after being charged with multiple counts of child molestation. Trust me, it's a really bad idea. There's something about TV footage of an indicted pedophile smiling and moonwalking that just....looks bad.
In closing, I just want you to know that it takes a lot of balls to defend someone charged with what you're charged with. It would be a lot easier if I were a black celebrity, but we all play the cards we're dealt, don't we Michael? I have a reputation to protect. Granted, that reputation is one of being a defective pervert but my perversion has always involved adult women! You're getting convicted, being acquitted despite being guilty (a la O.J) or fleeing prosecution could seriously jeopardize my ever getting laid again. I'm running a huge risk here. Please don't fuck me....I'm not your type. I'm altogether too old for you.
Sorry, I couldn't resist the last sentence. I can be a real prick sometimes. So sue me.
Anyway, I thank you for your attention and hope you pay heed to my words.
Respectfully,
skippystalin
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BALLAD OF A BOVINE RAPIST
Okay, I suppose that it's no secret to any of my readers that I'm a horny guy. A really, really horny guy. I was cursed with a sex drive that would be considered excessive in three men. It's also no secret that I live in Toronto, Canada. But I want to state for the record that I'm not this guy. I wouldn't want my readers wandering through the day thinking that they've been chuckling at the blog of that guy. Finally, there's a guy in Toronto hornier than I am.
Quite frankly, I never thought I would see the day, but there's a new heavyweight champion.
While I'm often taken with a partner who likes to be taken on all fours, I do prefer that she be able to stand upright...if only occassionally. I should also note that I can be clingy after intercourse and I simply cannot concieve of cuddling with a Jersey cow. That would be weird, even for me.
For such a short story, there's so much to love about it. Therein lies the beauty of the Toronto Sun. They always provide more bang for buck. And always using the smallest words possible, too. I like the fact that the guy refused to dismount the cow upon discovery. Actually, I'm on this guy's team on this point. If you're about to be arrested for raping a cow, you should at least be allowed to come first. The accused, David Kottaris, 28, of no fixed address, also insisted that he was merely assisting the bovine give birth....which in a roundabout way, I suppose he was.
I guess the point of my writing this is to state for the record that no matter how horny I get, I've never considered cruising a barn. I guess I'm not much of an outdoorsman.
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THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN HAIRSPRAY
Modesto, California must be the capital of missing women who take a really, really long time to found dead. As I'm sure everyone knows, the happy couple of 2002, Scott and Lacy Peterson are from Modesto. But I'm sure most of you have forgotten that the official missing person of 2001, Chandra Levy was also from Modesto. Granted, she went missing from, and her skeletal remains were later found in, Washington, D.C but I've never been one to let the facts get in the way of a cool new theory.
So much has happened since that innocent summer of '01 that I feel a review is necessary. Levy, 24, was an intern at the Bearau of Prisons when she disappeared in June. I was in California at the time and knew immediately that this was going to be a fun story. I can pick a freak show like nobody's business. In the days following her disappearance, it was revealed that Levy recieved her coveted internship through the good offices of her Congressman, Gary Condit (D-California). People grew very suspicious that Condit was, in fact, playing hide the salami with Levy. Condit denied this vigorously, as one does. After all, Condit was one of the very few Democats who voted to authourize the Judicary Committee to launch an Impeachment inquiry in the matter of President Clinton's pecadillos. It would look very bad indeed if it became public knowledge that Condit had his own intern problem.
So, Condit did what any good hypocrite would do...he denied it. And denied it. then he denied it some more. Then some details of Condit's sexual habits were leaked. It appears that young Gary was into bondage and rough sex. It was revealed that when having a young woman visit his apartment he insisted that she carry no identification with her. Actually, I can understand the bondage and rough sex....it's the no I.D thing that I find really kinky.
Months passed and still no Chandra. She wasn't known to have much cash available and her credit card hadn't been used since she went missing. Most reasonable people assumed she was dead. As is often the case, most reasonable people were right, though the body wouldn't be found for over a year. Condit originally coperated with the famously inept D.C police department, submitting to two interviews where he denied any relationship with Levy. Then he stopped talking. To anyone. Well, anyone other than Connie Chung. The Chung interview was so disasterous that most people changed their view that Condit was a scumbag to the view that Condit was a murdering scumbag. A heavy scent of doom soon pervaded everything Condit touched. The story refused to go away. The summer of '01 was a particularly slow news season. All anyone heard about was shark bites and Chandra Levy.
Then came 9/11. Congressmen fucking and possibly murdering interns suddenly became decidedly less important.
Well, not so unimportant that Condit was able to keep his seat in Congress. He lost that in a primary against his former chief of staff in March of 2002. But after 9/11, everyone who wasn't me felt somehow dirty about obsessing over this tawdry little scandal. I was unrepentant because, after all, someone was still very probably dead, the story was funny and I never claimed to be a particularly good person, anyway. But nobody else cared anymore and Gary Condit couldn't have been happier. It wouldn't have been surprising if Condit sent Osama bin Laden a fruitcake for Ramadan.
Since losing his congressional seat, Condit has persued a new career,suing media outlets. He started out suing Dominic Dunne, who happens to be a particularly stupid breed of twat. But now he's suing the tabloids. This goes to show precisely how stupid Condit is. American tabloids get sued a lot and only very rarely lose. This is in part due to the First Ammendment and American case law regarding slander and public figures and in part due to their enourmous savagery.The lawyers for American Media, the respondent in this suit are going to look forward to get Condit in a pre-trail deposition where they can ask anything they want. Ask O.J Simpson how well his civil deposition went for him.
There are going to be all kinds of neat questions about just how many affairs young Gary actually did have, how often he tied them up and choked them, why he insisted they carry no identification with them. It's going to be a lot of fun. And once under oath, Condit will have three and only three options; he can invoke his Fifth Ammendment right against self-incrimination, he can commit perjury or he can spill the beans. Should he tell the trutb, it should take about ten minutes for the answers to appear on the front pages of the Washington Post and Modesto Bee. This will prove to be unhelpful to someone dumb enough to be under the illusion that he can somehow rebuild his political career. But who knows? Maybe the endorsement from Scott Peterson will help more than I think it will. I've been wrong before.
And the funniest part is....I honestly believe that Condit had nothing to do with Levy's murder. He was just so frigging stupid as to make himself look like he did.
In any event, happy days will soon be here again. And I doubt al-Queda will save Condit's bacon (okay, that's a bad analogy given that I'm referring to fundamentalist Muslims, but you get the point) twice.
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NEW GOODIES
It always feels like Christmas when I find a new website where people confess to being more pathetic than I am. It makes me smile. Christ, I don't think I'll ever get enough of reading confessions like this;
"I don't like retarted people. I don't hate them or anything, I just really prefer not to be around them. I'll probably end up having a retarded kid, you know karma and shit. "
And this,
"I read my boyfriend's diary all the time. he's very quiet and i don't really know what's going on in his head but that's no reason to invade his privacy. i love it, though. i read his email too. he writes to his ex-girlfriends sometimes in a strictly platonic and friendly way and when i read them, i imagine him having sex with those women and i masturbate."
Could life get better than this?
"I once stabbed a girl in the butt with a sharp pencil because i thought it would be funny to see her jump up and hit her head on the ceiling. i was one of those kids who thought cartoons were real."
Submitted for your shits and giggles......grouphug.us.
With special thanks to Jane at Social Reject for finding this first. I suck at finding things on my own. There, that's my confession.
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Friday, December 19, 2003
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ANOTHER REASON YOU HAVE TO LOVE KEEF
Yesterday, December 18th, Keith Richards turned sixty years old. That's right KEITH RICHARDS turned sixty years old. I'm not sure I'LL ever see sixty and my lifestyle isn't a tenth as reckless as his has been.....okay, probably a tenth. But Keef's made it look easy for longer than I've been alive.
Way back in the 1970's the leading rock journals of the day would run reader's polls. One of the categories was "rock star most likely to die in the next 12 months." Keith Richards was declared the winner eight years in a row. Yes, that Keith Richards just turned sixty.
In 1976, Keef was having a problem navigating his car (reputed to haven been Hitler's staff car during the war) and crashed into a London median lamp post. Keith, as one does, simply left the car in the street, went to a friend's house called a taxi and went home. It turned out however, that Keith should've been better at house cleaning. When he left the car, he left inside it a vial of cocaine and a few tabs of LSD. Opps.
No sooner does Keith get of with a slap on the wrist for the London car misadventure than he comes to my hometown of Toronto. The Stones were scheduled to come here, play two surprise club shows and record them for a live album (CD 2 of "Love You Live" are the El Mocambo shows) and get the fuck out of Dodge. Pretty simple, huh? Of course not. The RCMP decided to pay Keef a visit at the (then) Harbour Castle Hilton. After spending 3 hours trying to find Keef's room, the entered to find young Keith asleep (oh yeah, Keef had a habit of staying up for 9 days in a row in the seventies. My record is only four, but I'm a pussy.) But they did manage to find twenty-four grams of heroin.  The RCMP found a guy who was only supposed to be in town less than a week in possession of 24 grams of heroin a little suspect. This is because the RCMP are famously stupid. They show an utter lack of understanding of the ways of an International Rock Star Junkie. You see, when you describe getting busted as a "hobby", you learn pretty quickly not to take your own drugs across international borders. You get other people to do it for you. But what if your "mule" gets popped? What do you do then? Heroin withdrawl is famously sucky and best avoided. So you get several people to carry your drugs. They can't catch everyone and eventually you arrive at the hotel and get "elegantly wasted." But sometimes Customs officals don't catch any of your drugs. Under ordinary circumstances that would qualify as a bonus...until the RCMP finds 24 grams of rock star heroin in your room. Then they charge you with Possession With Intent to Traffic, an indictable offense in Canada (equivilent of a felony) that carries a sentence of 7 years to life in prison. The fact that Keef's 8 year old son, Marlon called the Mounties "worthless cocksuckers" probably didn't help matters much. Diplomacy doesn't run strong in the Richards' bloodline. The charge was, of course, patently ridiculous. It would've been funny to see Keef plead guilty so he could stand up and say in open court, "Sure being a multi-millionaire rock star is my job. It pays the bills. But dealing smack? That's my passion! Y'know, some guys play golf to relieve stress. And you have NO idea how much stress can be involved in touring with Mick Jagger." Keith's salvation ultimately came in form of Ron Wood's cock. Keith wasn't the only Rolling Stone to bring his hobbies to the fair city of Toronto. Except Woodie's hobby was even more sensitive than Keef's. Ronnie Wood's hobby involved fucking the wife of the Prime Minister of Canada. While Keith was busy getting arrested, Margret Trudeau was in Ronnie's room. The press found out in a hurry. The importance of this might need to be underscored to my younger, non-Canadian readers. Imagine, if you will, that, say, Marilyn Manson got caught with 24 grams of primo, rock star quality horse in the D.C Hilton. It would look pretty bad, right? Well, maybe not if the Washington Post found out that Laura Bush was spending some naked fun time with Twiggy Ramirez down the hall. How quickly do you think the American government would want to sweep that under the carpet? As quickly as the Canadian government did.
 Ultimately, Keef was allowed to plead to simple possession and was sentenced to a year's probation and ordered to play a benefit concert for the blind (to which Keith responded, "So what do I do? Set up a rope in front of the door and only let in the people who trip?") And the whole thing pretty much went away. So much so, that the last three Rolling Stones tours have been rehearsed in.......Toronto. But my favourite part of the whole story is, that after he was booked and released on bail, Keith asked the Mounties for some of his heroin back until he could score some more. And that's why he's Keith, kids, that's why he's Keith. Labels: Celebrity Skin, I Hate Music
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HIGH SCHOOL SHOULD BE OUTLAWED AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE HOMOS!
I wrote briefly about the Mepham High football program before. It's a chilling, although not particularly surprising tale. You know how boys will be boys and invariably someone ends up with a pine cone covered with icy-hot jammed up his ass. Everyone knows that football just isn't football until someone gets sodomized with a golf ball and a broomstick.
Jesus Christ, I always thought that high school was like Vietnam. But I never, ever suspected it was worse! I've read countless memoirs of POWs from 'Nam and they all say pretty much the same thing. No matter what else you can say about Charlie, he generally left your asshole alone. The same cannot be said of the social niceties of your average high school football player. Good God, I can't stop thinking of the horrors of college ball now. And what level of depraved, crossdressing gang bang hell do you live in if you play on a Big 10 team?
It's stories like this thank make me thankful that I always sucked at sports. Seriously, I've never taken anything bigger than a female finger in my ass. Okay, okay, you got me...it was two. Oh, and there was that time that the debating squad put a canned ham in my ass, but that was different. I was young, drunk and in love.
In any event, this just reinforces my belief that males under the age of twenty-five should not be allowed in public without his fucking parents.
I'd like to thank Michelle from "A Small Victory". I found this article on her blog. She might be upset that I stole it from her but I don't think she's ever seen this site.
God, I love my obscurity sometimes.
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WHEN THE GOING GETS WEIRD...
The weird apparently join the Nation of Islam. Michael Jackson is rumored to have joined forces with that celebrated voice of reason, Louis Farrakhan. Jackson was raised a Jehova's Witness until his expulsion over the Thriller video. He's been on an unending quest to find an appropriately kooky religion ever since. He has engaged in business deals with the Reverend Sun-Yung Moon of the World Unification Church (the Moonies) and was reportedly involved with the Church of Scientology during his marriage to Lisa Marie Presley.
But you would be hard pressed to find a wackier group than the Nation of Islam. Here is a brief overview of the Nation's theology About 6,000 years ago blacks were the only people on Earth and accordingly, the world was paradise. Then came an "evil scientist" named Dr. Yacub, who in the course of germ experiments, created white people. As we all know, white people are a HUGE pain in the ass and immediately went about subjugating black people. This subjugation will continue until 13 gods in a spaceship called "the Mother Wheel" returns to Earth and destroys whitey. This should happen any day now.
The leader of the Nation, the Honorable Louis Farrakhan, is a former calypso singer who is taken with a lust for power, anti-semitism and numerology. Anyone who watched Farrakhan's two and a half hour speech at the Million Man March knows just how confused Farrakhan is.
The "Islam" in the group's title is a stretch of the imagination. Most Muslims would never recognize the Nation's theology. Nowhere does the Koran reference evil scientists, germ experiments or spaceships piloted by multiple Gods. I checked. I'm pretty thorough that way.
As is true with most things involving Michael Jackson, one walks away from this story asking "what the fuck is he thinking?" Oh, by the way, Jackson is charged with 7 counts of homosexual pedophilia. Neither gays or pedophiles are winning any popularity contests in the Nation. Maybe Michael is hedging his bets if he's convicted. He's going to need some serious friends in prison and the Nation of Islam is taken very seriously in the American penal system. Or it could be that Farrakhan wants to learn to moonwalk. He does have an appointment with a spaceship in the very near future, after all.
I will say this about the Nation of Islam, I've been searching for an online link to this 1994 GQ story. It's an investigative report on the '93 allegations. Well, the Final Call's website had linked to Steve Harvey's website and here you go. I've been looking for this for months. I'm not going to scan and post my hard copy of the story. I can be a real bastard sometimes.
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Thursday, December 18, 2003
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AS TIMELY AS TODAY'S HEADLINES
Here is the horseshit felony complaint against Michael Jackson. There isn't much of note in it other than the sheer number of counts.
It's going to funny watching that ballbag Sneddon get humiliated in court. God, I can't wait to see his stupid, self-righteous face when these charges are withdrawn. It's going to be priceless.
Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure that something is up at Neverland. I just don't think this is it though. This thing reeks of malicious prosecution. Does anyone else find it odd that Sneddon is prosecuting this after Jackson recorded a fucking song about him? If the guy wasn't so interested in being on television, he would've recused himself.
Jackson has already been cleared of these charges by the Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services. He has the kid and his mother on videotape saying nothing untoward happened. The mother has hired the attorney who filed the lawsuit in the 1993 case. And the mother has a long history of lawsuits and witness coaching.
Yet Sneddon continues to do his fucking stand-up act every time he gets on TV, even though it bites his fat ass every time he does it.
God, this is going to be fun.
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How did I know this was going to happen?
On the other hand this and this are really funny.
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EGADS
Everyone knows that rapists are desperate people. However, some are most desperate than others. Seriously, how desperate must you be to feel the compulsion to attack a hooker twice your size?
This is actually one of the funnier stories I've seen in awhile. All the more so when you consider that rapists tend to get off on humilation. It feeds their sense of power.
I hope the douchebag is happy now.
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IN MY WORLD
This
Is the new this
Just not as sexy.
But its close. Very, very close.
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Wednesday, December 17, 2003
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PORNO AND SEX TOYS UPDATE
These are indeed dark days for those of us enamoured with the more ....erotic of past-times. You think you've gad a bad day? You try explaining that you were hit by a bus while shopping for porn.
Or better yet, how would you like to explain that you got busted in an undercover dildo sting?
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THANKLESS WORK
I feel bad for public servants. Especially the unpaid ones. Everyone semms to think that the bills will just pay themselves .
On the other hand, some politicians are swine.
And some are beloved by Madonna and no one else.
But some politicians engage in such monsterously ugly and brilliant plots that thet can only be admired by people like me.
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Tuesday, December 16, 2003
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FASCINATING TO ME, BORING TO EVERYONE ELSE
The fear and desperation of the Democratic Party is palpable. More than that it's now physically tangible. You can actually feel it. You can stroke and pet the all-consuming fear as you would a domesticated cat.
As some of you know, Congress passed a particularly ridiculous law last year called McCain/Feingold that makes it virtually impossible for political parties to raise money. The Supreme Court, in an egregious affront to common sense, last week upheld the legislation. McCain/Feingold is not going to make elections any cheaper though. All it accomplishes is that spending will be shifted from the parties to "independent third parties." You know, "independent" groups like the NRA, the Sierra Club, and the Nartional Abortion Rights League.
MoveOn.org is the most visible of these groups this year. While the individual Democratic candidates are blowing their financial load in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina; MoveOn.org is running national ads critical of the Bush Administration. Since the Democratic and Republican National Committees are no longer allowed to raise more than bus fare and the Bush campaign is far ahead in most state polls, these are the only ads you're likely to see.
But that won't stop anyone from breaking the law. From the beginning of time, it's been illegal for non-U.S citizens to contribute to American parties or candidates. Of course, this isn't stopping some people. Democratic candidate and frequent Republican voter, Wesley Clark has figured out a way to be particularly cute. His website links to a collection of grassroots organizations, which presumably are in the business of raising money for Clark. One of those grassroots groups linked to his website is Canada for Clark.
Canada for Clark has an interesting mission statement. But it's apparently not enough for Canadians to love Clark, we must also give him money. How can a Canadian support Clark financially, you ask? Through MoveOn.org, of course.
Neat little scheme, if I do say so myself. Incredibly stupid for Clark to be directly involved in, but still neat. Now that the story has broken, and I don't expect it to be as huge a story as it should be, Clark basically has two possible defenses; he can say, "Well, I didn't know about it. You can't really expect me to know anything about running a large organization like the military.....or the government, do you?" Or he can say something like, "What the fuck? I really don't know that much about politics or the law or anything. Can I be president now?"
Either way, it's nice to see that campaign finance reform worked out pretty much the way I thought it would.
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BAD SANTA
Is it wrong to love this image so much?
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CONSISTENTLY WRONG SINCE 1146
Oh goodie! If you teenagers know anything about me, you know that I've been waiting with bated breath since Sunday to learn the Catholic Church's views on Saddam Hussein's capture.
I'm sure none of us are surprised to learn they feel that it's a bad thing. The Church (which I belonged to as a child) holds fucking retarded views on most things-like telling Africans that condoms don't protect you from HIV-but the party line on Saddam wins a special prize.
"Cardinal Renato Martino said he had felt pity watching video of "this man destroyed, [the military] looking at his teeth as if he were a beast '".
Yeah, poor, poor Saddam. It's getting so you can't be a genocidal maniac anymore. I particularly like the "as if he were a beast" part. The Ba'ath party regime is conservatively estimated to have murdered 300,000 of it's own citizens since 1979. You can also count the million Iranians and Iraqis killed in Saddam's ill-advised war against Iran from 1980-88. "As if he were a beast" indeed.
"Seeing him like this, a man in his tragedy, despite all the heavy blame he bears, I had a sense of compassion for him."
Wow, "Sympathy for the Devil." Who knew the Church was so hip? Bounding bravely into 1968 as they are.
Isn't that sweet? I guess the Cardinal remembers fondly Sadddam's threat to "burn half of Israel with the fire" of chemical weapons. The Vatican's official policy on Israel and it's history of Jewish relations isn't that different from Saddam's.
It's nice to see that the Church continues to piss on the United States generally and the Bush Administration specifically despite the fact the fact that it was democratically elected (okay...sort of democratically elected.) That's something that the Saddam and the Pope have in common. Neither was elected in any recognizable sense of the word and neither is in any way accountable to their followers.
God, I can't wait to attain some political power so I can tax those motherfuckers.
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Monday, December 15, 2003
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INTERIORS BY SADDAM
I've often wondered what a tyrant's pad would look like without a nation of lakeys waiting on him hand and foot. Okay, sure....I had an unconventional childhood. But ever since I was a kid I wondered, "What would the Kremlin look like if Stalin had to do the cleaning himself?" "What would Hitler's bunker look like without a woman's touch?"
As of yesterday, now we know.
Dictators are SLOBS!
Saddam's "spider hole" was found to be litered with half-eaten food, stinking, unlaudered clothing,general filth and $750,000 U.S.
All he's missing is the Paris Hilton vidoe as a laptop screen saver and he could be in college.
And I know what you're thinking. If a vicious dictator is alays a slob if left unattended, how do I explain Martha Stewart away?
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Sunday, December 14, 2003
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MY COUNTRY, RIGHT OR......WHATEVER
What do you call a country without a military?
Canada
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GOT HIM
For those of you who are unaware (as I was until 3 minutes ago), Saddam Hussein was arrested in a Tikrit basement last night.
See? There are advantages to not sleeping at night.
Let the good times roll.
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A FRIENDLY RECOMMENDATION, PART ONE
While I continue to suck and my hits evaporate to zero, I've decided that I'll give some friendly tips of blogs that aren't going through major slumps to my remaining readers.
Today's recommendation is Chaotic Not Random. Young Kilgore wrote a piece about wanting a handjob from Merideth Baxter (formerly Birney), the mother from Family Ties, that is fucking hilarious. And since I'm funnier than most of you (and modest, too), I know what I'm talking about.
You're welcome.
I'll continue sucking later in the day if I can find something to suck at.
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Saturday, December 13, 2003
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MORE FUN PRIMAL PURGE GOODNESS
Anna continues to be a very funny girl as evidenced here. Read it. Now. You'll be glad you did.
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 RICHARD NIXON DIED FOR YOUR (EXPLETIVE DELETED) SINSIf you're my age or older (which apparently none of my readers are), you'll remember your first tape recorder. Remember the fun you used to have with it, taping yourself doing goofy shit and then playing it back to find out that your voice isn't nearly as cool as you hear it? Maybe you even went to Radio Shack and got one of those 4 dollar suction cup things that would let you record your phone calls. Every kid loves his first tape recorder. So did Richard Nixon. Except he wasn't 9 years old, he was 58. He was also the President of the United States. But he loved his first tape recorder too. And his was probably much cooler than yours. His system consisted of 8 microphones in the desk and walls of the Oval Office, his side office, his "hideaway" office in the Old Executive Office Building and his office in Camp David. All of his phones were also tapped. So Nixon really, really loved his first tape recorder. In time, everyone else would grow interested in it too. You see, Richard Nixon wasn't particularly good at making friends. I should note that Nixon wasn't the first president to wiretap himself, Franklin Roosevelt was. As soon as he was made aware of the system, Pesident Truman had it removed although some recordings made without his knowledge survive. Presidents Eisenhower, Kennedy and Johnson all taped conversations to varying degrees. All of Kenndey's cabinet meetings during the Cuban Missile Crisis were taped and are readily available. All of these systems were manually operated. Only selected calls and meetings were recorded. Only the President and his personal secretary, who operated the machine (usually a Dictaphone belt recorder) were aware of the recordings. Nixon first became aware of the practice of presidential tape recordings during his transition period in late 1968 or early 1969 when he was told of it by President Johnson and strongly advised to keep it in operation. Johnson expected the tapes to be of great assistance in writing his memoirs and, as a practical, hardball politician, found that in meetings with the President, a Member of Congress would say one thing and then repeat it differently later to the press. Nixon ordered the system immediately removed upon his inauguration. However, the system was upgraded and expanded in February of 1971. Instead of being manually operated Nixon's system was voice activated. It recorded everything. Only three officials, H.R Haldeman, Alexander Butterfield and Nixon himself were aware of the system. Since the system was voice activated, all three soon forgot it existed. The resulting tapes contain the most honest and brutal conversations involving a president on record.
 Then came Watergate. Under direct questioning by the Senate Select Committee investigating the scandal Butterfield revealed the existence of the tapes. The tapes were then subpoenaed by the Special Prosecutor, Archibald Cox. In an 8-0 decision, the Supreme Court ruled that Nixon must surrender the tapes. Consequently, Nixon was forced to resign and no fewer than 19 Nixon Administration and campaign staffers were convicted of felonies. Following the resignation, Nixon's pardon by President Ford and the Watergate criminal trials the ownership of the tapes became an issue. Precedent dictated, Nixon asserted and Ford agreed that a president's papers (and by extension tapes) become his personal property once he becomes a private citizen. Congress disagreed. They passed the Presidential Materials Preservation Act of 1974 which has only ever been applied to Richard Nixon. None of his predecessors or successors have been subject to its provisions. 41 of the 42 people to have been president or their estates may preserve, sell or outright destroy presidential papers as they wish. Except Nixon. His papers and tapes were placed in the custody of the National Archives. Nixon sued. Nixon lost. Nixon continued to sue until his death in April 1994. As can be expected, upon Nixon's death, the National Archives began releasing the tapes in 1996. The tapes involving criminal conduct during the Watergate period were all released during the trials in 1974-76. Those tapes were never at issue. The rest of them are. And lots of them are very embarrassing to people living and dead. Imagine if everything, everything that you said during a two-and a half year period was tape recorded. Imagine then if only the worst things you said were used to judge your place in history. No wonder no one has fun with tape recorders anymore. |
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